TWILITE: a parody of TWILIGHT

TWILITE: A PARODY NOVEL OF TWILIGHT

Excerpts from “Twilite: A Parody”

The first time Stella sees Edweird Sullen:

I continued to scan the Sullens’ table for another available stud and quickly found one who was nearly as hot as Casper. Again I queried Maria, this time about the youngest Sullen boy, trying to hide my newly-formed schoolgirl crush on him.

“The boy over there, with the perfect face, nose, eyes, and lips…and chiseled chin, broad shoulders, strapping chest and tree trunk arms…and that V-shaped torso, thin waist and muscular legs like that of an Olympic cyclist. And perfectly manicured finger and toenails. Who is he, and what’s his story?”

“Oh, that’s Edweird,” she said, rolling her eyes as if they were the seven and ten pins teetering and deciding whether to fall down or not. “He’s dreamy. But he doesn’t date. Apparently, even the best looking girls in the school are not good enough for him. Rumor has it that he’s only interested in five foot four, average looking dark haired girls who only recently moved to Sporks from a hot climate state beginning with the letter “A.” Go find someone who fits that description!” Maria dejectedly shook her head, the contents of her shot glass riding up and spilling over the sides. She leaned down close to the table, shot out her pink tongue and lapped up the droplets.

I now turned my full attention to Edweird. Edweird looked as though he was transplanted to Sporks from the pages of Greek mythology. He was tall, with long, lean muscles, perfect angular features, and boyish good looks -- remarkably like the boy who played Cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter movies, but with spiky hair. That’s all I’m going to tell you about Edweird now, but don’t you worry: I’ll be describing his perfection from this point on every chance I get in four -- count ‘em, four -- amazingly long (and expensive) books.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First glimpse of Dr. Carpile Sullen, M.D.

“Is she…dead?” asked Dr. Carpile Sullen, visiting surgeon at Sporks Community Medical Hospital. Dr. Sullen had just entered my hospital room, carrying a clipboard and a book of Mad Libs.

I sat up from my bed and put down the New York Times bestseller An Idiots Guide to Vampires and Werewolves. I looked up at the doctor, feebly forcing a smile on my face.

“I kid, I kid!” He blurted out, laughing so hard that his copy of Cracked Magazine flew out of his hand. “Hey, you don’t get an honorary medical degree from Sporks Community College Correspondence Medical School and Male Modeling University without developing a sense of humor.”

Dr. Sullen then pivoted around to examine himself in the full-length mirror attached to the closet door. He pouted his perfect plump lips, ran his hands through his brown, wavy hair, admiring his perfectly tanned complexion. He adjusted his Speedo under his cotton shorts, and ran his hands up and down his freshly shaven, ultra smooth legs. He smiled and winked at his own reflection. He was looking oh-so-fine, and he knew it. What was most puzzling to me, though, was why he was wearing shorts in the winter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stella meets Yakob Brown, son of her father’s best friend:

“Hi, I’m Yakob Brown,” he said, extending his short, hairy arm toward me. “You must be Stella Crow, right?”

“Yes, that’s me.” I said shaking his hand. “I already know who you are, Yakob. Actually I don’t since we’ve never met. Harley has told me all about you. To be perfectly honest he’s said very little. Either way, it’s nice to meet you. And for now on you can call me ‘Isabella.’”

“Nice to meet you, Stella,” he said and then he yipped.

That was strange.

“You know that truck of yours – ‘Ol’ Lemon’ – that used to be mine,” Yakob said. “My dad was close to torching that suicide machine and driving it off the side of a cliff. But your dad wanted to buy it, so my pop gave it to him for just a few grand, with low, low financing. I guess you must have swiped it from your old man.”

“Actually, he gave it to me as a welcome home gift.” I said. “He wanted to make my move to Sporks as smooth as possible, and this was his way of doing it.”

“Harley’s a moron, but he has a heart of gold,” Yakob boldly said. “Of course, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.”

“I agree, and no, you’re not.”

“I’m a bit surprised Ol’ Lemon is still running, to be perfectly honest,” Yakob said. “Have you passed out behind the wheel from the carbon monoxide fumes spewing from the air vents? Has the clutch given out, or have the brakes failed? Have you repaired the rusted out holes in the radiator? How about the leaky gas tank, constant oil drip, misaligned front and back wheels, damaged struts, improperly rebuilt engine, or the busted speedometer? Those things holding up?”

“So far so good,” I said, feeling both impressed and horrified by his honesty and boyish innocence. “I even managed to make the car’s interior look respectable once I vacuumed up all the dog hair. How many dogs do you have?”

He looked at me quizzically, not saying anything, scratched his ear with his left hand and then licked the back of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stella and Edweird pause before setting off on their hike through the woods:

“But before we go,” Edweird continued, “let’s pause for a moment so you can admire my amazing physique. Take it away, Stella.”

I could barely concentrate on what Edweird had just said to me. I was completely distracted by his Adonis-like physique. His skin-tight shirt, buttoned nearly to the top, had perfectly framed and accentuated his muscular man-boobs. His cutoff jeans, circa 1970, did little to conceal his ripped hips, thighs and buttocks. The stubble from his freshly shaven chest danced like raindrops off his cool white skin. At this very moment, I wanted him more than I ever wanted any other man, and nearly every other woman.

“Um, are you finished gawking at me, Stella?” He asked with a sly smile.

“Uh, sure,” I replied. “At least for now.”

“Good. We better get an early start on our hike, so I don’t have to carry you on my friggin’ back before it gets pitch black.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edweird and Stella’s magical first kiss

His words left me breathless. Literally. The lack of oxygen to my brain made me dizzy, and I started to faint. As quickly as I did, Edweird’s arms reached out to catch me, but he was too slow, and I fell painfully to the ground. Seconds later Edweird was kneeling next to me, caressing my hair with one hand, while pinching my nose and trying to stop the massive blood flow with his other. It was not quite the perfect moment I had dreamed of, but then again, he was turning out to be far from the perfect guy.

“Kiss me, Edweird!” I said, my voice forceful and demanding. “Kiss me like you really mean it. Kiss me like you’ve never kissed a woman before.”

“Okay.”

Edweird gently brushed away the dried blood from my face. He leaned over to me and began nuzzling my hair. His right hand gently caressed my cheek. His cool breath danced off my neck. I felt his teeth nibbling at my ear lobe, breaking the delicate skin. His hands gripped my upper arms, forcing them back and causing substantial bruising that would take days to heal. He then moved both his hands to the side of my face, squeezing it tight. He seemed genuinely tickled at how my scrunched lips formed that fish face, and whispered that I was his “Little Flat Faced Flounder Girl.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edweird and Stella’s begin their hike back to the truck

By the time Edweird finished his sulking it was late afternoon and we only had a couple more hours of daylight. We decided to gather our things and start our hike back to the truck. Edweird was worried that it would be dark before we made it back, and insisted that we run the whole way. I knew that there was no way I could keep up with him.

“I won’t be able to make it to the truck before it gets dark, Edweird. Maybe we can just take our time and walk by the light of the moon. It would be so romantic.”

“Are you serious?” he said. “Do you have any idea of what type of wildlife roams these woods at night? Actually, I have no idea either. But I can’t imagine it’s good.”

“Well, what do you suggest then?” I asked.

“There is one thing. I could carry you on my back. I’ll haul you back to the truck. We’ll get there in no time, flat.”

I wished he had chosen another the word besides “haul.” It kind of makes me feel like a whale.

I was too tired and achy to argue with Edweird. He crouched down and beckoned me to hop on his back, and I obliged. He then reached back with his magnificent arms to secure me tight against his muscular back. Then, without warning, Edweird took off down the path at an amazing speed. Everything I looked at was a blur to me. Apparently, it was all a blur to him as well. He was in as much control as Helen Keller after ten cent beer night. After two hundred yards we ended up crashing into several trees and what we believed was a water buffalo. Remarkably, even with the high-speed collisions Edweird still managed to remain upright. He then repositioned me around to his front so that I would functionally serve as a human battering ram for whatever object he’d run us into next. After another fifty yards of more of the same he gave up entirely on this plan. He lowered me back to the ground, and we walked the rest of the way glowering at each other long into the night.

source: http://www.newmoonmovie.org/2009/05/twilite-parody-novel-of-twilight/

**i got the humor *lol* most especially on how he tricked on the names of the characters and all that. the excerpt was so hilarious but can get excruciating, the writer will gradually make money out of this. haha. ;p too early to judge the entire parody, though. and Stephen Jenner didn't really spoofed it from cover to cover, i think he only pulled out some scenes of his interest. i would love to try reading the books if it comes available on e-book in due time coz i also considered that the writer aims to give us a different perspective out of the vamp-novel. *i just wish for the luck of the writer that he won't piss off the fans with the exaggerations he revised to humor the readers.* ooopps! i just read some of the comments and they're all angry about the way he made fun of twilight. some cursed not to read it while others will give a shot out of curiosity. let's see if this twilight spoof will make it's way to the bestseller list like twilight.

the phenomenon continues!

buy this book at amazon